He shifts at this point from primarily focusing on scriptures to statistics conducted on congregation members in the Seventh Day Adventist church. “61% of members” he said “once felt manipulated, controlled, demeaned- 42% had experienced physical intimidation and violence- 26% had been sexually victimized- 22% were resource deprived and had their children used as leverage- 9% had experienced physical abuse and violence.” Then he spoke for some time about how, in his opinion, that emotional and verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse. To illustrate his point he read a statement made by Willie Lynch. Willie Lynch was a slave owner in the West Indies brought over to the Virginian Colony in 1712 to address the local slave owner on how to best control their slaves. Lynch made the point in his statement that beating a slave’s body didn’t serve effectively as a tool of control, psychological control was much more effective, “Keep the body, take the mind.” He claimed that using this method would keep blacks enslaved for 300 years. Kelly went on to speak specifically about the differences in slave owners control for women and men and how that may have contributed to the differences we see today between black men and black women. However, his main point was to draw a connection between the control practices of slave owners yesterday and the behaviors of abusers today, saying “Emotional and verbal abuse is modern day slavery. The reason a person who returns to a physical abusive situation does so because their also psychologically controlled.”
From this point the sermon, Kelly takes a didactic direction, focusing on what are the components of abuse, different types of abuse and how to recognize abuse. He defined abuse as “Whenever a conscious pattern of behavior is exhibited by one person to control another emotionally, physically, sexually and spiritually.” Emotional abuse can range from name calling, controlling money, and being the sole decision maker. Physical abuse is Slapping, kicking, burning, and physical pain. Sexual abuse, which is also possible to occur even in marriage, is forcing someone to have sex, forcing someone to watch others have sex and to engage in acts that are uncomfortable. Spiritual abuse constitutes coercing another through religious practices for the purposes of control another’s decision, behavior, thoughts and beliefs, many methods can be used such as using scripture passages, belittling a partners spiritual beliefs, etc… Kelly then begins teaching on identifying signs of verbal abuse and control. The first sign of abuse is Body language, which is sulking, refusing to talk, and walking away. Another indicator is Controlling behavior: driving recklessly, controlling by defining reality, questioning another’s words, actions, past, perception, feelings. The implicit message is that the victim is dumb and doesn’t know how to feel. Reality warping is another tactic used to control a spouse or partner. It consists of demanding agreement, defining the truth, and making the abused responsible for the abusers behavior. An additional technique is Controlling by Assigning Status. Which is the abuser shifts the victim’s attention to their failures and not their successes, thus defining the victim’s identify by their failings. Verbal abuse: withholding one’s feelings from the other, discounting partner’s perceptions, making another feel insignificant, judging and criticizing, controlling time. These are condensed descriptions of each aspect of abuse mentioned by Pastor Kelly, short, yet, they sufficiently provide a picture of abuse. After hearing this some may be shocked, he said, that they are the victims of abuse or that they are abusers.
I personally enjoyed hearing the sermon; it’s unfortunate that psychologists and sociologists own the market in terms of addressing this issue. I believe God’s word has much to say on the matter, containing truths that are healing and necessary to be heard by victim and abuser. For whatever reason we Christians shy away from discussing such things, however, I think Pastor Michael Kelly’s presentation is a good start.
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